In a new column, the Practical Psychologist is here to answer your mental health questions. This week: a 30-second exercise you can do right now to build more self-compassion.
By Megan Call | 2 minutes
DEAR PRACTICAL PSYCHOLOGIST,
I鈥檝e been struggling at work and at home lately鈥揻eeling stuck and easily frustrated. I鈥檝e always been really successful, so this is hard for me. Something isn't working. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Struggling to cope
DEAR STRUGGLING,
Self-compassion, or being kind to yourself, is the foundation of any lasting change. If that word is hard for you to digest, you鈥檙e not alone. I recently attended a conference where a speaker proposed doing away with the term 鈥渟elf-compassion鈥 in favor of a new phrase that they thought would be easier to understand: 鈥渇oundational compassion.鈥 Whatever you call it, being aware of how you talk to yourself is key to living a healthier, happier life.
WHO IS THE PERSON YOU WANT TO BE?
When I first meet with someone, we discuss who they want to be鈥攁s a parent, employee, spouse, friend, person, etc. We also talk about what gets in the way of them living in such a manner. Often times, the person identifies both internal and external factors that interfere, like the tendency to overthink things or not having enough time to accomplish a task. Another common interference is self-criticism.
For many, self-criticism goes back a long way, perhaps to 人妻中出视频hood experiences or in college, where that behavior may have been helpful if it made you study harder and achieve more. But a behavior that served you well at one time can become destructive over time. For instance, we focus so much on perfection. When we mess up, we often beat up ourselves. 鈥淥h, here I go again. I should know this by now, I鈥檒l never be able to be any better.鈥 We think that when we make a mistake or don鈥檛 meet our own expectations that we鈥檙e a failure.
The challenge for most of us is learning to let go of self-criticism in favor of being kinder toward ourselves. Some of us may even fear that giving up self-criticism will lead to being less motivated and less successful. For individuals experiencing this fear, I encourage them to reflect on the following questions. How鈥檚 self-criticism working out for me? Is it taking me more toward the person I want to be or is it getting in the way? If it鈥檚 getting in the way, I suggest experimenting with self-compassion.
A SIMPLE STRATEGY TO BUILD SELF-COMPASSION
- Identify a self-critical thought. Common criticisms include, 鈥淚鈥檓 so stupid,鈥 鈥淚鈥檓 not good enough,鈥 鈥淚鈥檒l never be as good as [name of person].鈥
- Then, try putting the phrase, 鈥淚鈥檓 having the thought that _______鈥 in front of the criticism. For example, 鈥淚鈥檓 having the thought that I鈥檓 not good enough.鈥 See what happens. For some of you, this will alter your perspective. Doing this will give you just enough space to decide whether you鈥檙e going to continue with the thought, reframe it, or simply move on.
- If you catch yourself arguing with your thoughts during this exercise, such as "But it is true, I am a failure," simply put "I'm having the thought that _______" in front of those thoughts.
- Try it for a week. You can practice a couple of ways. When you catch yourself being self-critical , try putting 鈥淚鈥檓 having the thought that ______鈥 in front of the criticism. You can also experiment with putting 鈥淚鈥檓 having the thought that _______鈥 before any of your thoughts. Both methods will train your brain to respond to your thoughts instead of react to them.
I recently met with a physician who saw me after trying this strategy for a week. I always warn people that these steps are going to sound overly simple. He said 鈥淵ou know, it is really simple, but it鈥檚 really profound.鈥 Our brains won鈥檛 always let us get rid of a thought, but there is a lot of power in recognizing a thought, labeling it a thought, and acknowledging that it does not define you.
Give it a try and let me know how it works for you.
鈥擳he Practical Psychologist
The Practical Psychologist is Megan Call, PhD. Megan is the Associate Director of the 人妻中出视频 of Utah 人妻中出视频 Resiliency Center, Clinical Assistant Professor in Education Psychology and Adjunct Professor in 人妻中出视频 Promotion and Education. She has research and clinical interests in promoting resilience and well-being among health providers, with a specific focus on embracing vulnerability and discomfort, incorporating informal mindfulness into everyday practice, improving communication and relationship skills among providers, and addressing systematic change.
MINDFUL SELF-COMPASSION MEDITATION WITH TRINH MAI
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CONTRIBUTOR
Megan Call
Licensed psychologist, Associate Chief Wellness Officer, Director of the Resiliency Center, 人妻中出视频 of Utah 人妻中出视频